


A Brief Mission

by Kantayra



Category: Naruto
Genre: Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-08-22
Updated: 2008-08-22
Packaged: 2017-10-19 01:51:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/195561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kantayra/pseuds/Kantayra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Naruto regales the Konohamaru Corps with the tale of his most dangerous mission ever. Sasuke is not amused.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Brief Mission

**Author's Note:**

> Once this idea came to me, I had _no choice_ but to write it. It simply had to be done. *face palm*

“No way!” Konohamaru said skeptically. “You’re just a genin. They wouldn’t send you on a mission _that_ dangerous.”

Naruto thumped his chest proudly for his eager audience. “I undertook this mission all on my own, because that’s the kind of elite ninja I am!”

“Ooh!” Konohamaru, Moegi, and Udon all cooed in unison.

“And also,” Naruto conceded sheepishly, “because Kiba double-dog-dared me to. But that doesn’t change the fact that it was the most dangerous mission in all of Konoha history, and only I – the great Uzumaki Naruto – could have made it out alive!”

“Tell us more!” Moegi begged, eyes wide.

“You’d just gotten to the monster!” Konohamaru chimed in.

“Ah, yes, the monster.” Naruto scratched his chin, recalling every detail he could. “I’d just snuck into the beast’s lair. It was dark inside, so I could barely see a thing, but I could hear breathing in the corner.”

“Were you scared, Naruto-kun?” Moegi gasped.

“Ha!” Naruto retorted. “That’s nothing for a skilled shinobi like me.”

“Did it attack you?” Udon asked.

“No, no,” Naruto shook his head. “Because part of being a great ninja is planning your attacks. I waited until I knew the beast would be asleep before entering its lair.”

“As I would expect from my worthy rival,” Konohamaru nodded in approval.

“It was a vicious beast, though,” Naruto clarified. “So I had to use all my stealth not to wake it up.”

“This isn’t _that_ scary,” Udon insisted, even though he was half hiding behind his hands. “If the monster was asleep, then you weren’t in any _real_ danger, right?”

“You don’t know this monster,” Naruto insisted. “You know how Sakura-chan gets when she’s PMSing?”

“Y-Yes?” Udon trembled.

“Well, this beast’s temper is a thousand times that.” Naruto considered for a moment. “Yes, it’s the crankiest, most surly creature you’ve ever encountered.”

The three Academy students all let out an “eep!” in unison.

Naruto waved his hands around his face in a way that was probably supposed to look like a terrifying dragon monster. “It has cold, red eyes,” he explained.

Moegi gulped.

“And it breathes flames from its mouth,” Naruto added.

Konohamaru tugged nervously at his scarf.

“But I wasn’t scared at all,” Naruto concluded. “I just focused on my mission, like any good shinobi would.”

“You’re so brave, Naruto-kun!” Moegi sighed.

“I snuck into the beast’s den then, tiptoeing so I wouldn’t wake it up. I could hear its heavy breathing in the darkness: in and out, in and out.”

Konohamaru, Moegi, and Udon all began shivering.

“Fallen weapons were scattered all over the floor, some of them singed by the beast’s deadly fire breath.”

They clung together.

“But then I saw it! The treasure I was looking for! There was a beam of moonlight, and it shone right on my prize, like fate itself wanted me to succeed in my mission.”

“D-Did you get it, Naruto-kun?” Konohamaru gasped.

“Of course, I did!” Naruto boasted. “An elite ninja _always_ completes his mission. But, just as I grabbed it, the monster woke up with a roar.”

Moegi squeaked, Udon hid behind his hands again, and Konohamaru bravely gulped down his fear. “Th-Then what happened?”

“Heh, heh.” Naruto scratched his head. “I ran for it.”

Three sighs of relief followed this proclamation.

“The beast tried to chase me, of course, but I created a million bazillion shadow clones, and it didn’t know which one to chase, ‘cause we _all_ looked like we had the treasure.”

“A-And you got away?” Konohamaru said, eyes wide with awe.

“No one can defeat Uzumaki Naruto,” Naruto beamed. “I made sure to let _all_ of Konoha see that I’d gotten it, too. All the boys were in awe of my daring, and all the girls swooned at the sight. Truly, I am the most amazing ninja Konoha has ever known, and they should make me Hokage right now!”

Udon clapped.

Konohamaru scowled with jealousy.

Moegi clasped her hands together in front of her. “C-Can we _see_ it, Naruto-kun?” she asked hopefully.

“Heh, heh, sure,” Naruto agreed. He looked around furtively and then cautiously pulled something from inside his jacket.

As if waiting for such an event to occur, there was a sudden ferocious roar, and the word “ _Naruto_!” was shouted through the otherwise calm village.

Moegi screamed.

Udon fainted.

Konohamaru grabbed both their hands and ran for it. “It’s the monster!” he cried.

“With PMS worse than Sakura-chan’s!” Moegi squeaked.

“And cold, red eyes!” Udon chimed in, only half-conscious.

“And it’s about to shoot flames from its mouth!” Konohamaru finished. “ _Run_!”

A giant fireball scorched the earth where Naruto had been telling them the harrowing tale of his victory only seconds before.

Naruto only leapt onto the rooftops just in time. “Ha, ha! Hey, Sasuke-monster!” he grinned deviously.

“Give. Them. _Back_!” Steam escaped from Sasuke’s nose, and his Sharingan were swirling at a dizzying pace.

“What, these?” Naruto teased, and held up his prize.

Even though the cloth was dark, Sasuke charged him like an enraged bull, nostrils flaring. Naruto wondered if the little red and white Uchiha crest stitched onto the back was enough to provoke such a reaction. Then, he shrugged the thought off.

“I see London, I see France!” Naruto chanted, cackling as he ran across the rooftops, mere inches ahead of Sasuke’s murderous rage. “I stole Sasuke’s underpants!”

“ _Die_!” Another fireball took out the small sushi shop on the corner.

Naruto, luckily, had darted in the other direction at the last second. “Ha! Is that the best you can do, bastard?” He dangled Sasuke’s underwear out enticingly before flashing a maddening grin and putting them on his head. “Just try and get them back _now_!” Naruto affected an absolutely ridiculous girly voice and did a little dance on the rooftop. “Look at me! I’m Uchiha Sasuke! I’m so cool and aloof! I’ve got a rod of ice shoved up my ass!”

Sasuke let out a screech that could be heard all the way in Suna, some said.

The next day, when Naruto woke up in the hospital, he first thing he said, with a mischievous grin, was, “It was _sooo_ worth it!”

Indeed, the Day Naruto Paraded Around Konoha with Sasuke’s Underwear on His Head went down in history as one of the most memorable days in all of Konoha history.

Second, of course, only to the reprisal of the aforementioned event only a few years later, when Naruto’s chant while sporting Sasuke’s underwear as a hat had changed to: “I see the Buddha, I see the Trinity! I stole Uchiha Sasuke’s _virginity_!”

But that story was only told to children when they were much, much older.


End file.
